Amateurs....Ain't That the Truth!

It's generally a bad sign when a movie sits on the shelf for a while before getting released. Most of the time, it's because the studio knows the product really does suck, while other times, it's just a case of not having any idea how to market the thing (just look at The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford). There's no question for me that Michael Traeger's The Amateurs was delayed for both reasons. True, the studio could market the movie based on the stellar cast alone, but what would they show on the trailer? Would they try to sell it as a raunchy comedy or a heartwarming comedy? Do they really think there's a large audience hoping to see Jeff Bridges in a movie about making a porno?

Whether it be about making a porno or a snuff film, I'll watch anything Jeff Bridges takes a role in. Like Kurt Russell, Bridges is a hardworking actor who generally does not get enough credit for the charisma and intensity he brings to his characters. He's been in his fair share of shit, but more often than not he comes out unscathed (exception: the remake of The Vanishing. What was he thinking?). I can't say I've ever seen Bridges looking as confused and out of place as he does in The Amateurs. On the movie's commentary track, Bridges says he turned down the role twice, but his agent kept staying on him about it. It took a read through to convince him to go forth. I have a hard time believing that changed his mind, because whether you read it silently or out loud, crappy dialogue is crappy dialogue.

After the first fifteen minutes of the picture, I was appalled to see Bridges in it. As more familiar faces popped up, the look of horror on my face grew. Tim Blake Nelson? Joe Pantoliano? William Fichtner? Ted Danson? Patrick Fugit? Lauren Graham? Jeanne Tripplehorn? I'm not saying each of these actors aren't capabale of making, and haven't been in, a bad movie. I was just surprised to see them all in the same bad movie. Either Michael Traeger is a real sweet talker, or the budget for this movie is bigger than it looks.

The Amateurs reminds me of the screenplay I tried to write when I was eighteen years old. I cashed in on every raunchy and juvenile joke my mind could produce, and about twenty pages in, I decided that my characters were not likable enough. Traeger seemed to have the same idea here; on the commentary, he says he wanted to make a movie about nice and thoughtful people, but he was afraid no one would want to make it. That's where the porno angle came in, because after all, who doesn't want to see a movie about people making porn?

Somewhere in the process of trying to combine the sentimental elements with the porn elements, Traeger lost his way. It is possible to have raunch and heart; just look at the early works from the Farrelly Brothers. But in order for them to come together, the characters have to be not only believable, but also appealing and pathetic at the same time. The Amateurs focuses too much on making them likable and not enough on making them pathetic. I'm not saying they're not pathetic; they either have shitty jobs or no job at all, and none of them are lucky in love. But each character (and the actor who plays them) wants to be liked so badly it's like they forgot to be a loser, too.

The movie takes place in the town of Butterfield, which apparently has a population just over 3,000, even thought we only really see the main characters. Andy Sargentee (Bridges) has just lost his job and his wife, so he spends his days in the one local bar trying to figure out how to score a quick buck. Flipping through the newspaper, he runs across countless pictures of women in lingerine and strip club ads, at which point the idea comes to him: make a porno! He gathers together everyone in the bar and spreads his idea, and they are all happy to take part....even the old ladies.

My first big problem with the picture is the fact that everyone comes on board so easily. No one has any reservations. Even when Andy and his cohorts start approaching the local young ladies to ask them to do a lesbian or anal scene, none of them object. I understand this is a small town where nothing really ever happens, but unless this movie is supposed to be taken as a pure fantasy, I don't buy it. It becomes apparent from the beginning that Traeger is afraid of bringing in too many conflicts. The few that are introduced are not genuine character struggles, but predictable devices to push the plot forward.

The movie is narrated by Andy using voice overs, making me wonder if Traeger ever saw Adaptation. Voice overs very rarely work in comedies, as they feel like a cheap way to hold the audience's hand and walk them through the movie. Andy is with us every step of the way here; I kept hoping the moment would come when he would give us a shove and let us take over, but he never did. Instead, he continued to let us know how self aware this movie is of its own existence.

For a comedy about making a porno, The Amateurs is awfully tame. Sure, it talks the talk by describing types of scenes and throwing out terms like "carpet muncher," but every time someone uses a dirty word they come across like an eight year old giggling because of what they just said. Traeger needs to understand that it's not simply about using the words; it's how you use them. Sex can be funny in the movies, too, so it's sad how missed of an opportunity it is here. You'd think small town folks who have never made a porno before would feel nervous or awkward about having sex on camera. Aside from the Ted Danson character, who has trouble for reasons I will not explain, everyone in this movie is a sexual dynamo and resorts to destroying furniture.

I was also surprised by the lack of nudity in the picture. The reason for it is justified at the end, but still. If you're really that excited about being in a porno, wouldn't you rip your clothes off and jump into action? The Amateurs has it backwards. I could see some clothes staying on if the participants were nervous, which is why I was shocked when the townspeople finally watch the finished product and the two ladies are still in their bra and panties during the lesbian scene.

Everything I have said so far should lead to an inevitable conclusion: this movie is not funny. It's pretty sad too, because the cast gives it their all and then some. Traeger must be an excellent motivator, since there's hardly a minute that lacks enthusiasm. In the grand scheme though, that's just not enough. I mentioned the movie's sentimentality earlier. The picture's climax features a screening of the finished porno, complete with a predictable twist and then about fifteen more minutes of screentime devoted to providing a heartwarming exit for each character. If the first two thirds haven't been shameless enough, the ending puts the icing on the cake.

Everyone involved here should be embarrassed, most of all Bridges, whose performance is not funny or tender in any way. If anything, I found him to be kind of creepy in his actions while trying to get the movie off the ground. Instead of a loving father, he comes off like a child molester (and looks like one too). Most of his scenes are overacted, the worst and most offensive one involving an African American man (Isiah Washington) who was supposed to be in the "big black dudes with little white girl" scene. It turns out Andy fired him and his friends for not being well equipped. The scene is as painful to watch as anything I have ever seen.

The Amateurs is probably one of the worst movies I have seen. It even lacks the necessary qualities to be a mediocre movie, and in this era of cinema that is saying a lot. This is a movie that accomplishes nothing because it doesn't really bring anything to the table, new or old. "Amateur" is an appropriate word to have in the title, because that's what the filmmakers are, and if they don't take some writing and directing classes, that's what they'll always be.


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