Keep Your Mid-Life Crisis to Yourself: Amy Heckerling's I Could Never Be Your Woman

I have fond memories of Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) and Clueless (1995), as both pictures proved Amy Heckerling could craft smart movies about annoying teenagers. It's kind of sad that her last directorial effort, Loser (2000), lived up to its title in more ways than one. The attempts at humor were creepy to say the least, and in the end, it felt like Heckerling was really struggling to still have something worthwhile to say. I must admit that I was still looking forward to her newest picture, I Could Never Be Your Woman, because despite the awful title, it stars two very appealing actors.

I wish I could say that casting alone could save this thing, but that would be wishful thinking. The movie is bad, probably worse than Loser, more than anything due to Heckerling's lame pursuit to let the audience know she doesn't want to get old. Well, I'm here to tell her none of us do, and while I certainly think a funny movie is capable of being made about hanging onto your youth, this is not it. Every scene feels like it exists completely on its own, mainly since I continued to forget what was happening from one moment to the next. There's nothing to hold the movie together; the screenplay hardly even reads like a rough draft.

It's troubling when you have to bash a movie that features so much talent. The biggest question is why they all agreed to take part in the first place. For the middle aged actors, maybe they felt Heckerling's pain, so the whole project turned into a group therapy session. The thing to be most thankful for is that the picture missed its trip to the big screen and will end up in the $4.99 bin at Wal-Mart rather quickly. I have no doubts there are people out there who will enjoy it (Richard Roeper already gave it his endorsement if that tells you anything), but I'll bet very few of them will be able to give a concrete reason why.

The story revolves around Rosie (Michelle Pfeiffer), a sitcom screenwriter. She also happens to be a hip, single mom who still plays Barbie with her daughter, Izzie (Atonement's Saoirse Ronan). The only amusement to get out of the set up is that we're supposed to believe Michelle Pfeiffer was married to Jon Lovitz. He pops up throughout the picture, but instead of adding anything to the progression of the story (?), he spends his scenes trying to steal flower pots from Rosie's house. Oh, those kooky exes!

Rosie's show, from what we see of it, is almost a carbon copy of "A Different World." Not surprisingly, the ratings are sinking so the network head (a typical Fred Willard) wants something fresh for the show. Enter Adam (the invaluable Paul Rudd), an actor who's such a goofball his audition for a new character wins Rosie over immediately. He's a free spirit, which is exactly what she needs to recapture her lost youth. At first, she thinks he's too young to date (in the world of this movie, he's twenty-nine and she's forty), but before long it's no matter. Adam makes Rosie feel alive again.

The characters lack anything resembling real wit. Pfeiffer depends on her facial expressions to play the role, resulting in a collage of shocked looks and over dramatic outbursts. The key relationship in the movie is supposed to be between Rosie and Izzie, but all the insight given from mother to daughter could have come from a flower designed Hallmark card. Not to mention the movie has an entire subplot about Izzie's conquest to win the boy of her dreams. We knows mom's advice will be beneficial, and while the payoff could have been cute, it goes for rewards it has not earned.

It would be too easy just to let Rosie and Adam fall happily in love, for then there would be no movie. The first conflict that comes into play is their age difference, which Rosie soon gets over since Adam is the cool younger guy who will jump on the bed with her and dump a bowl of popcorn in her face (how liberating!). This stuff is a blessing in comparison with the main conflict, which involves continued sabotage attempts on Rosie and Adam's romance by her secretary, Jeannie (Sarah Alexander).

I first saw Paul Rudd in Heckerling's Clueless, but I didn't get the full scale of his talent until Wet Hot American Summer (2001). Rudd is a terrific comic actor thanks to his undeniable knack for physical comedy. Despite his dud of a character in I Could Never Be Your Woman, Rudd has a handful of memorable moments, most of which (if not all) were probably improved. If not for his presence, the movie would be a complete snoozer.

While Rudd gets to shine every so often, the same cannot be said for generally funny Tracy Ullman, who is stuck playing Mother Nature. The character has no worthwhile purpose to the movie except to yell at Rosie for wanting to be in love and to use lots of profanity. Narrators like this can often be as worthless as a voiceover and unfortunately, Ullman is not able to salvage what she was given to work with. Her insight on baby boomers during the picture's opening is the only helpful scene she's in, as it let me know I was about to watch a depressingly lousy movie.

Comedy often works best based on the characters' abilities to surprise each other, which is something Heckerling forgot this time out. There's no real focus to the picture; it basically takes one simple idea and tries to run with it. Heckerling is a good writer and will hopefully make a good movie again. Now that she's made it through her mid-life crisis project (the Rosie character could easily be autobiographical), it's time to put her attention on something worthy of her talent. Heckerling may be getting older, but that doesn't mean she's not capable of still making an audience laugh.


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